Evening Bog Standard Consumer Cornerby financial columnist Jeremy Upyours.
| Evening Bog Standard Consumer Corner by financial columnist Jeremy Upyours. |
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The Benefits of a WhizzBank, Shit Hot Current Account
(with free wasp nest insurance) The benefits of a WhizzBank account were emphatically bludgeoned into my overloaded consumer skull by a tense man on a phone in either Deli or Swindon, several years ago. But what he failed to represent were the true humanitarian advantages of holding an account through WhizzBank. First of all, I recommend you experiment with the benefits of trying to change your address. I spent six months phoning, writing to them and visiting a local branch over and over again, which saved me a lot of gym fees, I can tell you. The fantastic  thing was, these plaintiff pleas disappeared into some magical black hole. And that’s when I realised the humanitarian potential of the account: don’t tie the political economy in knots over nuclear waste disposal: just find the buildings where WhizzBank Customer Services and Complaints departments exist, and send all the missiles there; never to be seen by the human race again.No need to get hung up on altruism either, as the account also works for you: you’ll be too busy making phone calls and using ridiculous police words to recite your post code and your mother’s maiden name for fiftieth fucking time, you won’t have any mental capacity left to worry about the recession.  Financial delusion isn’t the only benefit. You will be told that ‘on one system’ you exist in one place and on ‘another..er…system…’ you exist simultaneously elsewhere. Amaze your friends at parties by being be caught in a limbo of failed administration which means you simultaneous exist and do not exist, thus making the Hadron Collider look like a Fisher Price moon landing playset. I am happy to say I still have no replacement debit card to take out money with and now I am down to six stone. It’s a little more weight than I wanted to lose but its better than the fourteen stone I started with before this magical account opened up these possibilities before my startled eyes. The account is doubly secure in our fraudulent times: not only can nobody else access it; neither can I! (I will kill them all) |