The Market Today

In the recession or out of the recession? Reports earlier in the week said we were out but later reports say we're back in, as demonstrated in this chart:

Left axis = okey

Right axis = cokey

line graph shows values: 'in', 'out', 'shake it all about'

The recession is now the longest since records began. If the recession was the intestinal tract of an Indian elephant, it would stretch around all the mini-roundabouts in Berkshire, three and a half times, without farting.

The reason for this week's downturn was mainly due to the unexpected fall in service industry profits. It was expected that skint people would be queuing up to pay up to £350 a night to stay in hotels, for something to do.

What is happening in the market today is that Gary, the son of Derek on the grocer's stall, is so full of testosterone he is screaming vegetable based spiel at women on their way to Superdrug.

Disappointing performance can be off-set by quantitative easing. This is a system whereby, if you are fifty pence short of a round, Gordon Brown will come round and chip in to buy the remaining pint. £175 billion pounds has been allocated in this way, which is why we remain a nation of rosy cheeked inebriates.

Chancellor Alistair Darling still says, 'confidence is returning'. The banking sector says he forgot to mention that he meant confidence in his giant Swiss Panzies, which are enjoying a late bloom.

UK's survival is now dependent on stemming the rising population who will only want to eat stuff. Therefore five thousand extra Freeview channels will be introduced.