It Couldn't be You

Gordon Brown is planning to use yet more robust measures, in order to rescue the country from financial ruin. It is not possible while still in office, to employ the most robust measure, as the European Court of Human Rights is still debating some aspects of assisted suicide - apparently you have to call it murder if there's a rush on when you ask for volunteers.

However, I am pleased to report that Gordon Brown is still digging his stirrups into the flanks of his runaway, Stirling steed. Tired of listening to a rash of tokenistic policies from other parties, Labour now pledge to play EuroMillions every Friday, and not just when their expenses fail to go through.

As early as yesterday morning, the Prime Minister was triumphantly waving the print out of an e-mail which promised to rescue the economy in time for the next general election.

"The determination of this government is such that I can win the lottery without playing it, just by thinking really hard and hey presto - not only does the treasury instantly receive an email saying it has won 700 000 Euros; we are also promised a luxury yacht. Or a pen with a picture of a spaniel on it".

Just as soon as Gordon pays a 'special two thousand pounds tax to facilitate the er, payment going through, innit‘? (And his emails stop bouncing back).

We interviewed the Prime Minister from a champagne-filled jacuzzi, later that afternoon:

"Oh my god” he said, “That money was for Gran's dialysis machine".

“I forgive him” she said from her hospice bed, “How could I not, when I can die looking at such a lovely, biro-based gun-dog”?

Gordon insists Labour can recover the loss, but we’ll have to wait ‘til Wednesday to find out because the Co-op have run out of scratch cards.

If only you could win for matching three chins; half the country would be quids in.