This week Chuck Bukowski from the US asks about the health benefits of Marijuana.

Well, Chuck, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. I have little experience of, dope, draw, puff, hash, black, weed, green, double zero, pollen, soap-bar, rocky, red-leb, red-seal, purple haze, sensemelia, ganja, kif, tiger-weed, thai sticks, oil, charice or skunk. Neither have I ever wandered around my living room, confusedly checking the radiator temperatures, while my shirt is on fire. However, I'll do my best.

No doubt this excellent query is prompted by President Obama lifting the ban on medical use. I can telepathically divine, due to prior inhalation, that you are currently wandering around your own apartment, perfecting that limp.

I also know that a Denver newspaper has followed up by advertising for a 'pot correspondent', to write a weekly column. 120 applications have arrived, and another 250 000 000 might turn up if anyone can be bothered. So, not long to answer your query, dude; I've got a plane to catch.

You say in your email you are eighteen. Okay, unless you get that limp on the go, here's the pattern of purchase laid down for you, and trust me I'm a doctor:

Age 18 - 20) Pissed-stained stairwell or strange red-eyed man in yard with burnt out cars; also sells porn movies. Battered sausage tastes fantastic.

Aged 20 - 30) Same person, same flat, give or take a few staff changes. You don't know the door number but you always find it. You feel obliged to talk for an hour about Medal of Honour 6 and Nirvana, before finally escaping to stick it in your face. Stir fry chicken in black bean sauce tastes fantastic.

30+) Text. Car pulls up at front door. Back in front of the TV within five minutes. Free-range veal in red wine vinegar and oregano tastes fantastic.

Symptoms.