That's a bit of a poser, Tony me old mucker. I suppose if you did start getting off your face on smack it would compensate you for those moments when muttering at road works in your pyjamas doesn't do it for you anymore. Judging by the tone of your email this will be next Friday.

I am unsure that introducing heroin into the NHS would make my superiors run it any better but I suppose its worth a shot. They couldn't make it any worse. In fact, if the average manager was lying down listlessly listening to Iggy Popp they wouldn't be able to make any decisions, which is a bonus. If we could extend the supply of free Horse to the government, all the better.

Initially, the quality would be pure and in theory this is good. But how long will it be before PCTs decide they can save money by cutting it with paracetamol? And if the NHS still doesn't save enough money by cutting it they may of course become addicted to spending cuts and start robbing people to maintain the habit.

If you are serious however, in advance of getting it for free, you need to start hanging around bars where giros are exchanged for pints, while listening out for nicknames such as 'The Doctor'. Try the posh end of Middlesbrough on a good night.

You might consider, if you have enough time and determination, buying a certificate from the internet and becoming a doctor yourself. It's the pharmacies that have the really good stuff. Several weeks ago I sat in my living room watching the Virgin Mary dancing to Gomez and sporting a large, ivory penis. Personally I was delighted as there was not much on digital that night. There are other advantages. You won't have to redecorate your flat, you can just take drugs till it looks different. And you can always slip a tab of Acid in your gran's tea, wait twenty minutes and ask:

"Eeh Gran, haven't things changed..."?

Yet I find all of this sound advice somehow lacking. In an age of genetic modification and mood manufacturing, you would think the laboratory might have come up with something more tailor made:

"I'm visiting my Uncle who's just won first prize for his allotment cabbages; can I have a gram of 'give-a-shit'"?

Those are the drugs we really need.