This week Jenny Rufus asks: 'I am appalled at the idea of assisted suicide' - what should I do?

You should proceed directly to Switzerland and get as much help as possible. Not in terms of campaigning but in the shape of a lethal injection. Ask for a large dose to make sure. Its usually people who most oppose liberal thought, who most need to be removed from the gene pool on behalf of the rest of us. This is because human DNA carries a 'natural irony' gland which is chemically arranged to protect people like you from harmful self knowledge. Or just knowledge.

The main problem with this current debate is the assumption that travelling to Switzerland and agreeing to be killed quickly, is the only means by which we are complicit in driving each other to an early grave.

Before I bought my certificate off the internet and wrote 'Doctor' on it with nice crayons, I worked in office administration for five years. My question to you is: if assisted suicide was then illegal, how come my boss was legally employed to kill me with bullshit and erode my humanity by endlessly repeating the utterly mundane until I felt like shooting myself? Just because its slower doesn't mean its legal.

I filled in invoice passing slips for four years solid and at three in the afternoon without fail, a terrible grey cloud of existential despair almost drove me to the ledge on the fifth floor window. Only the fact that the other four floors were below ground, stopped me from the attempt.

Stress can be medically defined as: 'the desire to strangle somebody who really deserves it, and not being allowed to do it'. Sitting in meetings taking the minutes on 'key performance indicators for the folding fucking chairs department' until such point that any personality or imagination was wholly subjugated, would be illegal under the current Geneva Convention.

Further to this I had to organise my life and all its desires, including those of the cock, around the following such global emails:

"It is no longer acceptable to use the term 'brainstorm' in meetings, as this may be offensive to epileptic people. Please use 'thought shower' from now on".

When I mentioned this to an epileptic person, they had a seizure, as they were laughing so hard. Yet the Plain English Department who issued the memo suffered not one arrest under current legislation. In addition my human rights were again suppressed as I was denied personal freedom of expression. When I asked: 'If a particular 'thought shower' is worth its weight in gold, can we call it a 'golden shower'?, I was rejected by my co-workers.

While we are listening to people on TV saying that permission for assisted suicide would add an insidious pressure to kill oneself, perhaps we should be granted permission to at least phone in and mention that for most people, this is a working life.

Given that the majority of high achievers in society have got there by

a) working out means to kill other people who get in the way of policy (like Prime Ministers and Presidents for example)

b) writing down the same shit over and over again so some fat greedy fucker can spend it all, sat on an Algarve golf course,

where does the obsession come from that we lead our lives in such a moral and meaningful way that death is a sin? What's the world going to lose: all those repeats of East Enders and sixty five million 'cold calling lists'?

My final offer: come round to my surgery and I'll shoot you myself, hypocrite lecteur, mon semblable, mon frere.*

*Hypocrite reader, my namesake, my brother'. Baudelaire - The Flowers of Evil, 1857