This week Howard Melchard aks: What’s the best way to throw a convincing sickie?

At last! Somebody with perspective. I would be delighted to answer your erudite question. It is our compassionate duty as individuals on this dirty rock, to reduce the amount of shit we are meant to take on a daily basis, by finding ever more novel ways to ring in sick as soon as the first hint of winter approaches.

‘Is that a russet leaf falling gently to the pavement? Get me my mobile, while I put these cotton wool balls in my cheeks and kill the duke box‘: "Hi, its Dr. Mendelsen here. 'Fraid I can't come in. We've ran out of heart tablets? Ah well: drive them into the sea while they're still happy”.

There, there: was that so difficult? Obviously confidence is key but there are several sound approaches and tips which can be used effectively to reduce your working hours and therefore increase your chances of mental health and well-being:

DON'T:

1. Slump forward and drool at your desk as a precursor to asking if you can go home early. Chances are you will only look like other people who have worked there, too long. (Usually about three weeks).

2. Rely on funerals, birthdays and anniversaries. You can't remember the real ones so there's no chance you'll ever get this right. You will only confuse yourself and run into work one Valentine’s day, offer your boss an all night garage nodding Garfield and ask, 'Surely that counts'?

3. Pretend to be mentally confused. You will be mistaken for one of the team members on a contract which makes them too expensive to sack but too stupid to work there and nobody will take your request seriously.

DO:

1. Ask out loud in front of everybody, if you can leave early, because you have 'Chlamydia/Syphilitic itching' and nine times out of ten you will be able to slip away in the ensuing, stunned silence. The advantage of this is that your reluctance to return to work over the next few days will be entirely understood.

2. Build up to your disease. If you have recently come back from holiday - tell the one about the extremist with the test tube arrested on the plane. Later in the day, ask if Paracetamol is any good for boils under the arm and sore lungs.

4. Keep this one in reserve for when you can finally escape: I have won £4.70 on Euro millions so you can stick your job up your arse.

And always remember that luckily, nobody has ever found a cure for the common cold. Or have they? In a distant bunker under a far away office in the desert HQ of GlaxoKleinWellcome, lies a concrete coffin...