This week David Insbruck writes: 'Do you think I should consider Bo-tox'?

Usually I am in favour of bo-toxing to the max, Davy babes but this is only because I would like to see people freeze their muscles so much, I get to see freak circus acts such as 'the man who couldn’t look to the left'.

Having had a look at your photograph however; would you really want to freeze that look for posterity? It's not as if they built the Blackpool tower and then offered up a bucket of battered whelks for posterity, instead.

Only the shallow fail to judge by appearances. It's not as if you see women chasing ambulances, pleading to settle down with knackered men, in order to establish balance in sexual politics. So excuuuuse me for opting in favour of women with reasonably symmetrical features, who can run for a bus without puking over a syringe.

I blame Morrissey. One day I am sat in a bedsit, summoning the courage to ask out the students I fancy; when I walk into HMV, they're all wearing baggy, featureless jumpers and fingerless, Scrooge-like gloves; as if dolling yourself up a bit, is suddenly right wing. I don't really appreciate the morbid legacy of The Smiths - they diluted the whore/Madonna stereotype. Sorry: this is a website.

Do you have a large family, Dave? If so, you could frieze their faces in different modes of expression. When somebody dies you can then wheel out the cousin or uncle with the appropriate facial response already in place, at times when you don’t care yourself. Removing the need to lie reduces stress rates and is good for the heart.

Bo-tox can be quite expensive. There are other ways to make yourself handsome. About five pints should do it in your case. At an average of £3.00 per pint this still works out cheaper than a bo-tox package.

If you still feel that freezing your forehead into a piece of Plasticine is the way ahead for you, you will have to spend less time around small children who may grab your forehead and knead it until it becomes ‘Mammy and Daddy’s house’. Also, be sure to sterilise all the syringes you need to use. When ordering spares, do not queue up at roadside caravans operated by social services and refer to them as 'works' - in this context you will not be with a crowd who appreciate your new found chiselled chin.

Finally; do be aware that investments in Bo-tox can fall as well as rise. Your looker collateral can decrease if your muscles reject the implant. If this happens you will still be able to flaunt yourself around the neighbourhood successfully, but only on the 31st October.

So no change there, then.