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Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action
 Welcome to issue 10 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people.
Good afternoon, this is your pilot sleeping. Yes, we're into double figures. I have now gotten my sorry arse from the duvet to the desk for no less than a deca-week's worth of topical rave foresting, commissioned by the darker recesses above my scrawny, single-malted neck.
And remember: Cathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.
Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves.
Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.
By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they're wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.
Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.
Dick has spoken.
Contact The Evening Bog Standard
Hate us? Taking it a tad too seriously? We'd love to curl up in front of a warm pint with your ridiculous emails:
kissmyego@eveningbogstandard.com
Suggestions and ideas? Want to send in an article or an illustration? Please be aware that we may or may not use it and are understaffed in terms of entering into correspondence.
editorial@eveningbogstandard.com
Do you have a writing opportunity or want material from Dick Action ? On your head be it:
moonlight@eveningbogstandard.com |
BNP 'Stealing' from Army
The BNP's Knick Griffin (you see what we did there) are accused of hijacking military symbols for the far right. But they didn't even steal a Swastika: amazingly they couldn't even get that right!
After further investigation the Evening Bog Standard then discovered that the military aren't really that left wing. We found no Socialist Worker regiment leafleting the enemy. "Weeds have feelings too...incoming"!
Previous cases also suggest, if any country wants to get a bit dictatoradoodee, then the army have to take that order. Military juntas do not ring up the guild of chip shop owners instead, demanding the nation is controlled by soggy onion rings.
Supporters of slapping around foreign people insist the BNP leader is a legitimate, elected MEP. So how valid are MEPs and the democratic system that puts them in place? Should we allow more extremists on TV because some of their scarves are fetching? Nobody wanted to answer, so we asked Gordon Brown: "Are MEPs real politicians"?
"No, he said: they're a bit like the TA - fat sadists lying dormant until you tell them to get their shovels out, because nobody else has tuned up", he explained, continuing his recent campaign of support for the Army.
"That's nonsense" countered Tony Blair who may soon become an MEP himself.
"An MEP is a perfectly valid file format for sharing music, so I don't see the problem", he continued.
In one paper the Prime Minister is quoted as agreeing with banning the BNP on TV and in another as agreeing they should appear. We asked how he could sustain this two-sided approach?
"By use of two mirrors placed to form a triangle either side of my face" he revealed.
Acknowledgements:
bnp from eppingforestbnp.blogspot.com
mushroom from scottie2hottie.wordpress.com
deforestation from cthulhuitp.blogspot.com |
Balloon Arrest Couple Leave Court: in a Balloon.
'We did not do it for the publicity', they shouted from yet another balloon. This balloon was not silver and small. It was red and large, with their email on it.
Mr David Lane then performed an acrobatic Swan Lake across the balloons' ropes while his wife assisted in a sparkling swimsuit.
"Neither am I doing this for publicity", he gasped.
But his six year old son, this time with his feet firmly on the ground, told us: "Daddy said if this fails, I have to let old man Werther touch me up".
MPs Net Millions in Halloween Loophole
MPs resentful of demands to pay back thousands in expenses are recouping lost cash by trick or treating.
Ann Widecombe
A bizarre 18th century law still lies on the statute books, which dictates that any member of Parliament who turns up on government property seeking alms, must be given sustenance. MPs have been taking advantage of this by asking people not to bother cooking, but simply to hand over equivalent gifts in cash and goods. Some have even walked away with armfuls of antiques and gadgets lined up for another busy night on e-Bay.
"We told them we'd raise the pensionable age to 95, if they didn't hand over the Blackberry".
Halloween jacking as it is now known, is rife throughout the UK, so remember: next time the doorbell rings, it could be Anne Widecombe standing there; trying to wrench you gazebo into a van.
Middlesbrough Sack Manager, Southgate
The Boro Chairman insisted this was a timely decision.
"It'll be good for the team, he said" while closing a stable door to prevent the escape of a horse legging around in the distance.
"And to boot, the North East will soon reap the benefits of Thatcher losing the election".
Boro fans can now look forward to Pele and Stanley Matthews in midfield. Better times lay behind. |
More earth-sized planets discovered outside Solar System
An alien species, which looks like a willy
Over 400 more extra-solar planets are confirmed as out there, with many more Earth-sized ones apparently waiting to be discovered. That's 600 million potential Starbucks, 700 million MacDonalds and 780 000 freeview channels. And twenty thousand more Pamela Williamses from C5 who look good but turn out to be complete bitches.
The BNP are trying to secure ivory rights outside the Milky Way, though not in response to my inability to get laid in fifth form. According to some stuff we made up, the musical director of the film Close Encounters is also working with cutting edge technology (its that 70's game, 'Simon Says') to code a message telling extra terrestrials:
"We mean you harm as we are generally a shower of shit".
We asked Tesco if they were planning to expand into space and a spokesperson replied: 'How do you know we haven't yet'? Pressed further on this point, the rep. began to shake and mutate, and the voice became rather nasal:
"In our world, your frontal lobes are a delicious snack".
TV Review
Right up a fat man's arse. Round about nine pm when you're eating. A sensitive and insightful, fibre optic journey up a man's hairy ass. It shows you what you can do with money. You can stick it up a fat man's arse. A television; a man's arse. Your face, staring up it. In your face around teatime on TV: an arse. Belonging to a man who is fat. You stare right up it. You shrug. You chew your pie.
We are defined.
MacDonalds...just passing through.
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Evening Bog Standard 25/Oct/09 Issue 10