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logoEvening Bog Standard        28/Aug/09  Issue 2
 
 
 
 
 
 
   

Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action

Welcome to issue 2 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people, back by unpopular demand.These pages will update every Saturday if sufficient single malts are available, with the odd tweak in-between for any breaking news. Trust me - it really will be broken.

In the meantime we might even get a designer in - if only I could stop calling them gobshites when they turn up in preppy cardigans using words like ‘brand re-alignment’. Either get real or re-align your mouth with your arse, would be my advice.

If you find the aesthetics of the site unbearable (which would be a surprise as there aren’t any aesthetics because I shot anybody who mentioned it) you could always catch some of the articles on The Spoof (look it up, I had to) where you will see words encased in interesting red squares, you shallow, demanding fools.

And rememberCathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.

Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves and this is where we start screaming.

Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.

By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they’re wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.

Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.

Dick has spoken.

Man Arrested for Driving with Big Eyes

When the police first broadcast their recent advert warning drug-drivers that big eyes would give them away at the wheel, innocent Barry Walsh of Walthamstow could not have predicted he would be arrested himself.

“I used to be stopped and searched because my eyes looked too close together (at least that’s what it said in the PC’s notebook). Now they’re too big“! 

“It was all a misunderstanding“, he asserted. “I wasn’t on drugs, I was just wearing thick lensed national health jobs".

“The worst thing was, the guys in the car next to me were leaning out the windows, shouting ‘have you got silver foil, a spoon and a lighter‘? But nobody stopped them because their eyes were bloodshot slits“.

“This obviously has implications for anybody in our capitol who appears startled, amazed, wondrous or otherwise awestruck while driving“, claimed John Sledge, spokesperson of consumer group: Off My Fucking Face. “Only people who have to live in Croydon are safe, he added, before lying down.

How to Get into University without a Battering Ram

The Evening Bog Standard interviewed Professor Angus Funwipe of London Metrocharlatan University.

"Its utter nonsense to suggest that university places are too restricted", he claimed.

"There are plenty of ways to get a place, beyond the usual route of clearing“ he offered. “Why not come round my house naked and cook me pasta and I’ll think about it? Did you know that 20% of men over 40 experience some form of erectile disfunction? Well there you go: there’s no undergraduate place in the country that isn’t going to be swayed by an eighteen year old blonde boy bearing gifts of Viagra. (It’s the top floor flat)".

The Professor admitted to the Evening Bog Standard that some admission avenues had closed since the credit crunch but claimed this was only because BDSM was made compulsory for law students last year.

Gordon Brown has Fence Post Up Arse

Gordon brown invited journalists to his garden this week where he held court, from his seat on the garden fence. He bravely claimed, several days after everybody else, to have been repulsed over the scenes of celebration in Tripoli, following the arrival of Ali al-Megrahi and following his administration’s recent chat about it in Gadaffi’s Garden which ‘was abundant with bougainvillea’. He reassured the gathered press that he fully understood the extent of public feeling and that he had even deleted Colnel Gadaffi’s name from the ‘Medal of Honour’ high score on his own PC.

When questioned on his opinion over the actual decision to release Ali al-Megrahi , the Prime Minister asserted with utter conviction that I think his release was riwroriwro..,.riwrolook at the starlings flying home for dusk

Asked for further clarification over that statement he bent to pluck a flower and bravely sallied forth with further emphatic brinkmanship:

I loved the decisionI loved it not…”

We asked how long he expected to be sitting on the fence considering Autumn was fast approaching, his response was once again decisive:

Eris that a puppy next door? Look at the cute puppy everybody”.

When his interlocutors turned back to their mentor, he had disappeared. A chief whip informed the gathered press that No. 10 could no longer decide whether or not sitting on a fence was appropriate and reassured us the Prime Minister would eventually arrive at this conclusion when the creosote and greenfly conditions were right.

 

 

 

The Search for the Missing American Left

With the passing of Edward Kennedy America has apparently lost an icon of the left.

But did the left ever exist? In a nation which recently paralleled fixing some skint person's teeth for free, with the immediate re-emergence of Stalin, how left can it be?

In the UK you could probably stick your hand down the back of the sofa and come up with an anarchist trying to blow up an oil rig. In America you'd have to search the list of assassinated corpses in the desks of the CIA.

The right wing ladies who lunch; the bored, rich debutantes, with time to spare for cat feeding charities, are as much an invention of a 'classless' America, as they are a possession of our class-ridden England. In a way this could be compared to a socialist state finding things to do for unemployed people (who can't get real jobs because they suffer the disability of looking like poodles).

But there the comparison stops. Even the word 'senator' sounds like a right-hand man for Darth Vader. And so it should. Leaving a young woman to die slowly in a car for ten hours while you receive legal counsel on how to hang on to your career is not a left wing principal. Not unless the Holocaust was a hippy commune.

Teddy-drowny-Kennedy's popularity points to the fact that history will always be overtaken by the greater significance of the horn. He was popular in his day for being, like others in his family, a politician that people would actually want to shag. Which, like the arrogant assumption that an American left exists, is a miracle in itself


Free porn!...will never be a part of this site, but you gotta get the key words in somewhere.
 
Acknowledgements:
 
Dick Action is Cool
logo supplied by:  www.extremefunnyhumor.com
editor cartoon supplied by:latimesblogs.latimes.com
eye image from Levana Celonia, flickr
sinking car photo from deerailer on flickr




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