eveningbogstandardindex

Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action

Welcome to issue 3 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people, back by hardly any demand.

The last of the summer wine is upon us. Finally we can see sense and remove cafe tables from dog turds and exhaust fumes. You can't chuck a croissant in a skip and call it Cannes. England needs the pissing rain. It cloaks us in an honest, cosy misery. We just can't do parasols and really shouldn't be trying sandals. We should be sitting in darkened rooms wearing so many duffle coats we can't tell what gender we are, for autumn brings with it the glorious amber power of negativity. Breathe it in oh you people.

And remember: Cathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.

Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves and this is where we start screaming.

Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.

By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they’re wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.

Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.

Dick has spoken.

“I’m not Zorro": Ali al-Megrahi Shock Revelation

"It's all the functions and public appearances" he said when we interviewed him last night in the fug a last orders daydream:

"Up the steps, down the steps, on with the mask, off with the mask: "I feel like Zorro but with less rope work". "I only came here for the good of my health" he continued.

We asked him what he found least bearable about fame:

"It’s the lack of perspective"

We asked him if he meant the false view of the world, which famous people have when they are popular.

"No: its Opportunity Knocks on Cancer next week and I can't manage the star jumps".

Ker Plunk

So what does lie on the horizon for the frail and feted last days of Ali al-Megrahi? It could be televised, giant Kerplunk but his agent is contesting this because he only has one stick to play with.

What Ali would prefer is less elaborate: “...Any chance of a quiet cell in Scotland...”?

How to Use a Raincoat

Evening Bog Standard resident expert, Professor Frontage, says:

If you are putting a raincoat on your child, make sure you write to the BBC first or the regulatory body which controls the manufacture of rain. I would also advise that you take any coat to a laboratory for testing and file an email with the European Court of Human Rights explaining; 'I do understand that the freedom to wear purple muvva fucka trainers is a right of my child but at the same time I do intend to ensure he/she/it, doesn't get wet".

Then what you should do, is put the coat on the child. Its very important not to miss this step, otherwise your child might walk out without a coat on and the coat will remain in a crumpled heap by the wellies. Put the child's arms through the arm holes, being careful not to roll the coat into a ball and shoving it down the child's throat until it chokes. Neither should you, for health and safety reasons, repeatedly use the zipper to poke the child in the eye. Current advice on NHS Direct says "don't set fire to the coat, to keep the sprog warm, but if your child does display symptoms of running around ablaze, then it most definitely has swine flu and should be given a stirring wedgie immediately“.

The Evening Bog Standard asked Dr. Frontage if such self-help advice should really have a place in mainstream news, especially given that none of it seems to be aimed at the bigger picture of kids regularly being killed.

Dr. Frontage refused to comment and ate all the free sandwiches off the trolley.

No cover up over release of Ali al-Megrahi says Brown

"I have been totally transparent" said the Prime Minister. When challenged over this claim, he asserted: "I transparently chose not to mention that I'd said 'we don't want him to die in prison' and further to that I transparently said that I didn't say this. I then transparently said this was a matter purely for Scotland when it transparently wasn't. I did this because any scientist I have paid will tell you that two transparencies placed on top of one another make a solid surface which is then not transparent at all. Therefore I had to be transparent an extra time on top of the first two instances of being transparent in an apparently non-transparent way, in order to be see-through again".

Birmingham TV Presenter pleased to be in Jail

And it's not even Anne Robinson. Another government faux-pas as the voice of a nation is ignored and another criminal walks free.

Instead they arrested Ashley Blake, presenter of West Midlands Today. All he did was beat somebody with a 3 foot wooden pole. If that was Middlesbrough Today, it would have been a live feature of the show.

Hitler to Present Weakest Link

Whereas Anne Robinson really deserves to die alone in a car park, her freshly fallen, gormless corpse lying prone under a softly falling shard of bright ginger rinse. Yet she claimed in that fake newspaper, the Evening Standard, on Wednesday 2nd September, that if she wasn't so witty she would be ousted for a younger, more attractive presenter. So how come Hitler isn't presenting her show?

To investigate, we placed an undercover reporter in the audience for 'The Weakest Link'. He had a front row seat because there was nobody else there. We discovered the shocking revelation that Anne isn't witty. She proffers a haggard, half-baked cynicism far beneath the lowly seat of sarcasm. Therefore her very endurance (or ours) on television disproves her point. It's not so much an age of sexism as an age of petty minded, average people making it onto TV. Which is why people have her program on in the background while they pick their feet.

Horoscopes

Capricorn

A tense quintile forming between Jupiter and Uranus as they approach equilibriumbrimanical, means immense life changes for Capricorns. This will demand you ask yourselves some serious questions. The main question being: given that some horoscope writers must also be Capricorns - and given these immense life changes are happening to all Capricorns, how come theywill still be here next week peddling mendacious crap and resolutely refusing to change even so much as their own 'whacky' fucking jumper?