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Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action
 Welcome to issue 5 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people.
I had an illegal maid once: at least some of it should have been. It was a tad more than ten quid an hour. Still: you have to get it out your system or the city grinds you down so much, you end up making your dog wear honey coated deely boppers so it has to dance with wasps in September.
And remember: Cathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.
Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves.
Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.
By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they’re wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.
Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.
Dick has spoken.
Acknowledgements:
heart image supplied by:
newilluminati.blog-city.com |
Vera Lynn in Rehab.
A late-life rock 'n roll resurgence has sent Vera Lynn over the edge of the white cliffs of Dover. She has been admitted to the Priory - her local drop-in centre, having overdosed on cream teas and aspidistra garnish. There were clear signs she'd been over recreating; she had been seen repeatedly dabbing her brow with her handkerchief at a recent whist drive. The frock star had even been found under the influence of pain killers while in control of a Stenna stair lift. "This didn't stop her putting on a show and dive bombing the audience at the Carshalton townswomen's guild" said her agent, when we interviewed him from his orthopaedic bath. Though he admitted having to cancel the opening of a charity shop in Redbridge the next day, as the crowd were still searching for her missing hip.
Petitions to exhume Frank Sinatra and have him present BBC Breakfast News have been proposed but producers say before they place a gormless corpse in front of the camera dancing to the tune of the mainstream, they want to poll the audience to see if they'd notice the difference.
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Trident Missiles to replace Meals on Wheels
In a bid to cut public spending the Labour Party will axe social services meals on wheels budgets and bring the service into alignment with the Trident Missile upgrade.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Stinge said, "Why waste money on people driving around in vans? We have a public crying out against wasteful expenditure on Trident and at the same time a huge deficit in our public service budget. So why not kill two birds with one stone and fire the meals at high speed into the gaunt faces of the elderly"?
Critics ask how could the government ensure the right people received pie and mash into their wizened little faces, even if they stood by the gnomes with their mouths open, once a day?
"We can't rule out using ID cards to identify them" said Lord Mandelson. "We'll get ID cards on the go somehow, even if it does mean firing spam -carrying nuclear missiles into the faces of old people".
The creators of Top Trumps say such savings would be negated as more money would then have to be spent updating their score system:
"Max height: 55 000 feet. Payload: mince pie and custard".
Credit Crunch Olympics
Running and shooting: “Anybody from Homerton will be the favourite, say bookies”.
Now that a deficit has been reported, the Olympics are being downsized to show the world what we are really good at.
The 200 metres Poundland Trolley Dash. How many glitter badges, which say ‘I am Dave‘, can you collect in five minutes while wearing a tracksuit that smells of stale chips? Sporting fans sense a Gold for Britain.
Track and Field: Who can twok a Corsa the quickest, in the unfinished car park? Pundits predict a close match between America and the UK.
Cont>>
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Pirates Hold DJ at Gunpoint
The motley crew of the latest ship to be pirated in the high seas of commercial shipping, are holding a pirate radio DJ captive, forcing him to entertain them while they sail around wondering what to do with 20 000 nappies and 3 000 Poundland corkscrews that bend only when being used.
The Royal Navy picked up his pleas from across the waves:
"You've got to help me. I've tried telling them that 'pirate radio' isn't about pirates but they insist on listening to songs about daring sea based escapades. In the meantime here's several Adam and the Ants back to back classics so help me god".
"Its difficult" said Captain Stanley Hooper of the British Navy. "On the one hand we should rescue him; on the other hand, the prisoner chose to illegally occupy the airwaves and therefore doesn't officially exist".
Current plans mean flying in a City and Guilds teacher to get the kidnapped jock to NVQ level 4 in radio production. He should qualify in about 6 weeks, after which time the Royal Navy will be allowed to save him. Unfortunately when we tried to negotiate with the pirates, they said:
"Are you mother fuckin' serious? Come over the side and we'll open you up".
Fortunately Terry Wogan volunteered to take over the slot and they turned their guns on themselves.
>> Credit Crunch Olympics Cont:
Running and shooting may cause some confusion in East London. Either way anybody from Homerton will be favourite, say bookies.
The Long Jump: one bank, one fiftieth floor ledge. Another close contest between the UK and US.
Walking with your arms tightly by your sides in the pissing rain: at last Scotland are in the running.
Organisers say they are ready to adapt to stringent economic conditions. As soon as competitors receive their gold medals, they will be advised to leave the podium before the chocolate melts through the wrapper. |
Evening Bog Standard 19/Sep/09 Issue 5