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Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action
 Welcome to issue 6 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people.
Yet again we update a day or so early in order to make room for tomorrow's drinking. On that note, in this week's issue, we have quoted Baudelaire. This is because we think its about time we got rid of all the government instruction on how to become dehumanised, efficient machines and encouraged more red wine, opium and syphilis. Your bits will itch but think of the poetry we might have.
Such decadence has nothing on a truck driver from Germany who crashed into a central reservation in Switzerland this week, while:
taking drugs
drinking
masturbating to a pornographic magazine spread across the steering wheel...
The only way he could have made this worse...actually, no: the Evening Bog Standard admits defeat. We are stunned to silence. A medal is on its way to this plucky scamp.
And remember: Cathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.
Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves.
Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.
By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they’re wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.
Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.
Dick has spoken.
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Nick Clegg is Tight as a Squirrel's Arse.
Holy last resort! Could the Lib. Dems. be sowing the first green shoots of alcoholic recovery? Have the Cheeky Girls been sent to the back of the class? Yet nobody we stopped in the street seems to know who Nick Clegg is. And one of those people was Nick Clegg. 'Am I the Cheeky Girls, he asked? 'No we informed him: 'You use cutlery'.
Nick Clegg promises to emulate 'stern leaders of the past....'
The Lib. Dems. have issued their draft manifesto. Based on the popular 'Where's Wally'? series, the document asks: 'Where's Nick Clegg'? Is he behind the sofa? No - that's Charles Kennedy again. Is he behind Trident? Not until after the election. Ah! There he is: behind every other party in existence - and that includes the 'Gas the Homeless Party' who have a stronghold in Henley on Thames.
Within his own party, taxing million pound homes has already proved unpopular. Opponents say this would mean charging for every one-bedroom flat in London.
Nick Clegg assures us he genuinely wants to balance Britain's books - as opposed to the Torys who want to see them balanced on the heads of ladies in Swiss Finishing Schools, so they walk correctly when serving sandwiches to cricketers. Clegg also wants to scrap tuition fees but acknowledges he may have to 'downgrade' this decision to 'not doing it'.
The party has already proposed benefits being means tested but Cleggy babes is unsure as to how mean they could actually get, on a richter scale of 1 - tight as a squirrel's arse.
We will run as a ghost train
A characteristic reflected by some of his detractors: "I think we have overdone the despair" a Mr Webb said. "Doom and gloom does not inspire and motivate people". Though the Adams Family of Pennsylvania have already promised their votes.
Therein perhaps lies the key to success. Especially given that Nicky babes walkes like a recently electrocuted lego policeman. They may not look too good as a smart, political party but they could easily impress if they decided to run as a ghost train. |
China Vows to Slap the Climate Around
"We haven't got rid of enough of the climate yet", said a spokesperson for the department of 'We're making more money than the West'. "We vow to change this".
"The climate is full of mud and bugs and needs eradicating just as much as the people of Tibet", President Hu Jintao has told a UN climate summit in New York.
UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said failure to agree a treaty in December would be "morally inexcusable". The US weren't so sure and asked: 'I thought that was suffocating people in bin liners - is something else now morally inexcusable? Jeez".
"The fate of future generations, and the hopes and livelihoods of billions today, rest, literally, with you," said Mr Ban. Life Insurance companies buried their heads in their hands whereas Pension companies clapped in glee.
'Substantial mid-term quantified emission reduction targets' were key, everybody said, though not all seemed to know what this meant. 'Is it leaflets'? Asked one. No; that's still 'high-end intermediate collateral', somebody corrected.
Dalai Lama is fat bastard
But China held to their default position: "Gas the Dalai Lama, he's a fat bastard, for a start.".
French President Nicolas Sarkozy called on leaders to meet again in mid-November ahead of the crucial Copenhagen conference. Not as an interim briefing, but to find out how many world leaders will, by then, have seen videos of his wife with her kit off.
US President Obama acknowledged that the US had been slow to act, but promised a new era of promoting clean energy and reducing carbon pollution. 'Just as soon as we find somewhere in England to dump ours'.
New Feature: Contact The Evening Bog Standard
Hate us? Taking it a tad too seriously? We'd love to curl up in front of a warm pint with your ridiculous emails:
kissmyego@eveningbogstandard.com
Suggestions and ideas? Want to send in an article or an illustration? Please be aware that we may or may not use it and are understaffed in terms of entering into correspondence.
editorial@eveningbogstandard.com
Do you have a writing opportunity or want material from Dick Action ? On your head be it:
moonlight@eveningbogstandard.com
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They're swimming up the Thames Like Lost Whales
Government ministers say the so called 'Jungle' migrants looking for a home, need to go through the right channel. Psst: its the big blue one between Calais and Dover - just tell them Baroness Scotland wants the garden doing.
Police claimed that destruction of the camp was a good thing, because people were charged a vast amount to get into the UK by ruthless 'people traffickers' - or 'Eurostar' and 'British Rail' to those in the know.
For the last year the occupants of the camp have been wandering around in mud, without proper sanitation, receiving abuse from locals. No wonder the Daily Mail says, when they come to England, the think they’re permanently on holiday.
Treasure!
How exciting: a fat, lazy man has unearthed a vast hoard of Anglo Saxon Treasure which he can now trade in for a conservatory. The haul still requires complete cataloguing but the Evening Bog Standard has been leaked a list of significant Anglo Saxon finds:
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A large silver dish (with a sophisticated wall bracket capable of attaching to stone cladding)
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Gold goblets (and some plastic ones for drinking outside)
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A gold leaf, latin inscribed handbook on how to drink for ten hours without eating.
"Its worth millions"! he exclaimed delightedly. "Though I do have some integrity and I won't be selling it all. I just have to keep the pen which shows a woman's clothes falling off when you turn it upside down".
Acknowledgements:
Nick Clegg by:
wherediditallgoright.com
finger by:
thoughttheater.com
whale:
travel.webshots.com
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Evening Bog Standard 26/Sep/09 Issue 6