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Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action
 Welcome to issue 8 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people.
Evening Bog Standard wins Ignoble Prize for Sarcasm
"About fucking time", said modest editor, Dick Action even though he's only been in power a few weeks and hasn't done much yet. Dick now has the keys to the underbelly of the city - allowing him to lie low in any boozer when the libel suits flood in. (Do they open that often)?
And remember: Cathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.
Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves.
Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.
By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they're wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.
Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.
Dick has spoken.
Contact The Evening Bog Standard
Hate us? Taking it a tad too seriously? We'd love to curl up in front of a warm pint with your ridiculous emails:
kissmyego@eveningbogstandard.com
Suggestions and ideas? Want to send in an article or an illustration? Please be aware that we may or may not use it and are understaffed in terms of entering into correspondence.
editorial@eveningbogstandard.com
Do you have a writing opportunity or want material from Dick Action ? On your head be it:
moonlight@eveningbogstandard.com |
Open More Massage Parlours Says Cameron
If we are to effectively cut the welfare bill we need to take a leaf out the book of people traffickers, said the Tory leader.
Simply pay off the debt to the state by wandering around with stained towels and providing a few extras to low key business men with large stomachs.
Asked if he thought the public would swallow these new moves he insisted:
We want to encourage pride in Britain. Why shouldn't we join in the DVD market, for example, along with other people in car parks who find it difficult to get regular work?
Opponents to cuts in incapacity benefit say this attitude will eventually rob sick people of support. Cameron denied they would be without means, explaining, 'even if you can't walk, anybody with a stout pair of buttocks can provide a useful place to park a bike'.
The Evening Bog Standard asked the Conservative leader: 'You insist you will only move people off incapacity benefit if they deserve it. Yet all week you have quoted to the press, the figure of half a million. Surely that means you've decided already and you don't give a shit how you do it?
Mr Cameron stared at the floor a while, before quietly informing us that resistance to the legislation would mean the Tory Chairman, Mr Pickles the Potato Man would come and get us:
"Bring it on, Dr. Who"
Acknowledgements:
Mr Pickles from BBC News
mic from urbandevelopment
pyramids from barransclass.com
ref from nefar.com
alsatian from cquot.com
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Football Manager to be Investigated for Agreeing with Referee
A Premiership Manager has been reprimanded by the Football Association.
"That was a very timely decision",he reportedly shouted from the sideline.
He was then show a yellow card for sarcasm. Undeterred, he continued to gesticulate from the box:
"Why can't more people be like him and take the rules seriously"?
The referee then came back and issued a red card for use of further irony.
"What a guy", the manager reportedly asserted while getting changed: "Absolutely fearless in his quest for the truth. We should be awarding him the FA Cup".
After the match the referee fled to chants of: "How shall we extol him, Christ the referee"?
Pertinent Tube Announcement No. 1:
Westminster: please change.
Rocket Crashes into Moon to test for Water
Richard Hammonds admits, 'this time, I was a little nervous'.
Showbiz Gossip
"Bruce Forsythe says he likes the old style comedians; like Oedipus. 'I wouldn't call my mother fat. Obviously: I shagged her last night".
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Luxury! Luxury!
"When I were a lad, we used to have to get up six hours before we went to work, lick the road for breakfast, then spend thirty six hours of the day dismantling the pyramids with our bare teeth and spitting them back into place again..."
irrelevant
That was an extract from the Conservative Party manifesto; we'll be celebrating 40 years of Monty Python next time.
Senior Civil Servant Salaries to be Frozen
Mainly for posterity, say Whitehall officials, so that future generations can remember what wages looked like. A bit like freezing your sperm so the world can see how ugly your offspring would have been.
We queried the statement with the central Human Resources department and they confirmed, by 2012, we won't be getting paid anymore. It will be more of a food or no food deal and salaries will be translated into 'sustainable allotment resources' i.e. turnips and stuff'.
When we expressed concern, sources said, 'Of course we won't pay people in turnips all the time. Media funding will take a bash and sometimes those turnips will be shadow puppets presenting 'Meteor Madness'".
Exclusive Offer from Shirley's Crafts
The Porcelain Alsatian that can do maths! Hand crafted by regulars of the Dog and Duck in Barnsley, Shirley's Crafts are delighted to offer this limited collection of almost porcelain Alsatians. (It's plaster of Paris). A unique calculator and amp inside the anus of man's best friend means you can shout sums at your mantelpiece and this lovely long haired companion will bark back the answer! (As long as its '3')
Not only have our craftsmen taken time out of their twelve step program of recovery to develop this amazingly life-like, sum-growling hound, they've carefully given the little canine fella the slavering face of Lady Di.
Brighten up Your Scenes of Domestic Violence
Send no money now. Simply agree to adorn your home with this exclusive royal-anus-maths/mic.-insertion-tribute-ornament, and we'll take the Primark shirt off your back later.
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Evening Bog Standard 11/Oct/09 Issue 8