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Foreword by low flying city editor Dick Action
 Welcome to issue 9 of the Evening Bog Standard: the unpatronising voice of the little bog standard people.
I have noted of late that I check the price of absinthe more often than is good for the subconsious. When it comes to libel damages, gas and electricity, however, I am lavish. After receiving about 30 000 hits since the first issue and about a 150 regular visits a week (presumably from the police, MI5 and the FBI) this week's post-damages choice came down to: shoes or whiskey? I am delighted to say I am now newly kitted out with a fine pair of Glenmorangies.
And remember: Cathart the darker, frazzled depths of your internal dialogue. Lower your tones and tone your lows.
Life is not a brand. The only remaining protest is against ourselves.
Believe in the power of negative thought. Don't listen to all those suburban faux-viveurs, posing metrosexuals, prissy purveyors of 'positivity' and riders of BMXs aged over 30.
By clicking on these pages you know you're right and they're wrong: world is virus and we merely snot around in the dirt. So don't just smash your ceiling lights with a shovel, when next maudlin on whisky: check out our pages and share the vitriol.
Stick with me and you'll go a short way, but it will be a rage-fuelled and glorious way. Or possibly just a bit depressing. Which is all you deserve.
Dick has spoken.
Contact The Evening Bog Standard
Hate us? Taking it a tad too seriously? We'd love to curl up in front of a warm pint with your ridiculous emails:
kissmyego@eveningbogstandard.com
Suggestions and ideas? Want to send in an article or an illustration? Please be aware that we may or may not use it and are understaffed in terms of entering into correspondence.
editorial@eveningbogstandard.com
Do you have a writing opportunity or want material from Dick Action ? On your head be it:
moonlight@eveningbogstandard.com |
Jesus asked to pay back Expenses
'He took a liberty with his claims', said a senior church official. Bottles of mineral water cannot be reimbursed under HR directive 2.1, if they are to subsequently become wine. They are then classed not as subsistence but 'expenses for leisure'.
"Put some more chillies on mate, I can claim them back".
Suspicions were also aroused when a claim was received for midwife fees. 'This seems highly irregular in light of a virgin birth' said Judas, another senior clerical accountant. Failure to declare Myrrh has also raised eyebrows, though in his defence, speaking through medium Doris Barmy at the Unofficial Church of Spiritual Enlightenment and Tyre Fitting, the haloed spendaholic said, he couldn't declare 'Myrrh' because nobody knows what it is. This perhaps explains his bizarre fifty quid claim for 'Frankenstein'.
'We wouldn't normally pursue the matter', one man from the Inland Revenue admitted but when we asked a Vicar if we could speak to this guy, 'Jesus' , that individual replied, 'In a funny way; you can..."
Jesus might still have wriggled his holy way out of this one, claiming death on the cross as proof of loss of earnings, if only it wasn't for all the people who insist the Turin shroud is genuine and linked to his resurrection.
Acknowledgements:
Jesus from: shaydee313rants
dinasour from funkymoose.co.uk |
500 more troops for Afghanistan
There might have been 501 - a magic number in darts - but Mrs. Mingford of the Isle of White insisted; 'I've been postmistress here for years'.
The Taliban are now quaking in their boots as we easily have enough reinforcements to outdo anybody in British Bulldogs or hop skotch.
"We invited a marketing agency to strategise our next move" said an MoD spokesperson. "We were advised to increase the allocation of troops to a degree far beneath the number of leisure anglers in the UK".
'We gave them a cash incentive', said the Army.
'I didn't notice the coin in the bottom of the glass' said the recruits.
Ministry of Defence officials were later seen pacing around a group of nervous carp fishermen.
Torture email Revealed:
Dear Team Administrator
Please minute the three hour meeting of the CSD Stationery Team on Thursday, type three hundred newsagent addresses into the membership database and don't forget the mail out for Retractable Pencil week - this is a big push for us and as far as pencils go; failure is not an option.
A new Tate Modern exhibit
This one creates the impression of entering a dark expanse of blackness. It is 98ft long, 43ft high and 33ft wide.
The Evening Bog Standard's sub-editor Danny, has created a larger expanse of blackness, especially for all our readers. Amazingly, it covers the entire night sky. You have to wait until about 6.45 in the evening, and then look up. £5 entry (£22.50 for students). |
New flying Fossils Found
Men without girlfriends have found fossils of a new type of flying reptile, which lived 160 million years ago.
'Utterly Convincing'
Evidence of flat feet and rounded shoulders, coupled with teeth gritted for long periods, demonstrate that these early fliers spent most of that period queuing up. Differences in Ryanairosaurus migration patterns also suggest some creatures did not check in all their baggage in advance.
"Its amazing" said one fossil hunter. "Until now we believed Tyranosaurus Rex's predatory instincts evolved from a carnivorous feeding pattern. Now we think their violent behaviour may be on account of their holidays fucking up".
No further light is shed upon the demise of the dinasours but the Evening Bog Standard resident expert - the bloke in the cupboard - offers a theory:
"If dinasours had, on average, a brain the size of a pea: how come they gave each other such difficult names? No wonder they went extinct; they couldn't mate: 'Hi there. I'm Diplod..daplic...fuck it, I'm going back to the bar".
London Underground Remains Philosophical
Mainly through a poster campaign to distract us from a shit service. Ghandi, we are reminded, said: 'there's more to life than doing things faster'. I bet London Underground love this one, along with Mark Twain's: 'better to travel in hope...' because you really do need to. They should throw in a Jean Paul Sartre: 'hell is other people', to explain why being overcrowding isn't their fault, either. I can't recall Aristotle suggesting 'don't mend and make do with the fare increase' but you never know what they might dig up.
"Could have sworn I saw battery chickens protesting against human tube transport", said passenger Janice Brady but nobody seems to have stuck that on a poster.
All they need now is the ancient Mayan doomsday quotes which explain our demise in 2012 - just in time for them to avoid fucking up the Olympics and having to admit that the alarm button for the section of track you are on, rings only in the distant, dusty office of the Ukranian stationery dealership which owns it.
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Evening Bog Standard 18/Oct/09 Issue 9