Evening Bog Standard Media Whore

by Cynthia Vacant         

What I saw on TV this week.

The Second Genesis

Last night on BBC 4, I learnt we are apparently on the verge of a nervous breakthrough. Cell research has progressed to the point where we can make a new generation of the human race without shagging each other. Admittedly that could be a good thing. There never has been any insurance policy against waking up in bed with an absolute minger after several Martinis. Not even if you search confused.com.

At first I thought a second genesis was about cloning Phil Collin's band, which was worrying as nobody needs another no-necked, mediocre little shit whining into a microphone. The idea is not without its opponents. Even I worry about waking up one morning to find me walking towards myself but better looking, less temperamental and more intelligent. Admittedly I see people like this every day but it would be far more annoying if they looked identical.

The DNA structure of a motorcycle stunt team

On the other hand, is genetic engineering so bad? Would I really complain about waking up in the morning to a Neitzsche-reading, Byron look-alike, desperate for seven back to back episdodes of Sex and the City?

But that depends on us getting it right. We might not be so keen at the prospect of being served in restaurants by three-assed camel-monkeys. Though the opportunity for the waiter to double up as the actual meal would save us all a lot of time.

Having said that, given evolution has already thrown up the BNP and the X-Factor judges, what could go so wrong? Keywording genetic make up is dangerous in a world seemingly obsessed with cage fighters getting their ex-partners up the stick.

But the program ended on a reassuring note. The pinnacle of excitement was the mixing of an original yeast cell with that of an original jellyfish cell. When viewed through a microscope by an ecstatic presenter, hey presto; this looked like a bit of bread wobbling on a plate. The idea that this will eventually become a better you seemed rather distant.

Perhaps we should just continue trying to shag people who aren’t utter shits and hope for the best.