Swearing is to be banned on TV after the 9pm watershed. Apparently this does not mean we can amuse ourselves with swearing before the watershed with 'Blue Fucking Peter'.

Perhaps we should proffer more politeness in other areas of our currently pristine society: 'would one mind awfully, if I fiddled with your siblings without interference from social services or the law'?

Of course I try not to go about my day being offensive unless there's a reason: the existence of MacDonalds for example. "No; you have a nice day: after all, I've got a life".

People say swearing is lazy use of language. Abbreviations are also lazy as they avoid spelling out full words, but you can't lean out your van windows, shouting: 'RSPCA' can you?

Conservatism is a false distraction which hides worse moral depravity, 99 times out of a 100. Those instances, for example, when people say 'it's political correctness gone mad' when they really mean: 'Why can't I go down the docks and smack foreigners around on my shift'?

And if I've just offended some fine upstanding member of the local Rotary Club, I'm sorry; I feel a right cunt now.